I just pynch a tree in the face
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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