Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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