He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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