it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
