I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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