i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
