I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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