Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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