I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
