drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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