and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
