I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
