Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
