She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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