I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
