I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i black out too much to be "responsible"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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