dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
