Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
