I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't turn off my feet"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
