I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
