4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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