I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
