I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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