She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
