At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
