Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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