Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
