oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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