Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
