Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You are the jesus of drinking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
