the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize