I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
