I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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