look no pants
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
