party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So squirting runs in the family.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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