He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
NoShamevember. You game?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
