You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
