God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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