my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
