I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
