God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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