im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
