God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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