I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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