she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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