Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
