Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
