when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
