I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
is wine microwaveable?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize