I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
