YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He has the fingertips of a God
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize