Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
