Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I faked an abortion last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
