What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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